Monday, March 4, 2013

THC's Wretched "The Bible"



What a dreadful, awful thing this is. I couldn't believe the amount of money spent on this (produced by Surivor creator Mark Burnett), hunk of junk.

Oddly enough it begins with Noah and his family in their enormous, but awfully leaky ark, filled lions and tigers and bears (oh my!), as the wizened old geezer recites the creation story as they toss and turn. Perhaps trying not to upset "non-believers" the entirety of Creation is passed over in roughly 90 seconds, including the creation of Adam and Eve, their downfall, and Cain killing Able.

The entire cast appears culled from the British Isles (though this is an American made-produced product) with accents from all over the realm. Moses, for instance, has such a heavy Scottish brogue he could replace Gameskeeper Willie on "The Simpsons." The children,(all blonde or sandy haired moppets) each sound as though auditioning for the musical "Oliver." As Abraham prepares to sacrifice Isaac, the boy says, "Fatha, Oye see the sticks, but wha's the lamb," I fully expected to hear, "Howdy govnuh, cheerio 'n all that."

I found it offensive that the principal "good" characters, Noah, Moses, Jesus (who shows up with a pair of shit-kicking warrior angels: one Chinese and one African) to warn Abraham about Sodom's destruction), Miriam, et al., all are very white, fairhaired, etc., while the only characters who look remotely like the people from the region these stories occurred, are (natch) the bad guys, including Pharaoh, Hagar (with tattooed face) and Lot's wife (and what a miserable shrew they make her out to be).

In the long and pivotal role of Moses, they've cast an actor who is so absolutely, remarkably horrible his name is nowhere to be found on the internet: not even IMDB lists him in the cast. Moses. Really? You went with this guy?
The script is abysmal and in no consistent style, sort of veering off from Shakespearen "ancient talk" to modern English, with a (very) heavy predisposition to over pronouncing names like Aaron, and Isaac with almost a mingling of French and Middle Eastern accents. Weird.

The settings do look great (no expense being spared evidently) and the violence is right on the money; bloody, horrific and, in the case of ancient Egypt, continual. I was left wondering how anything got done by these poor half-starved emaciated slaves who were being whipped not only nonstop but almost literally to death,

It really is a dreadful, awful thing.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Kathy said...

I think this is the first really negative review I have ever hear from you. I can't believe how awful it must have been to get you so fired up!

March 8, 2013 at 4:15 PM  
Blogger Sharky said...

It was AWFUL! Typically, when I can't stand something (and that's a lot) I just don't bother writing about it. This mess, however, could not go unpunished!

March 9, 2013 at 5:15 PM  

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