Monday, April 27, 2009

Opera's Hall of Fame?

"Why has no one created an Opera Hall of Fame?"


At first, I thought, "Hey, yeah." But then envisioned the following scenario. I mean, can you even begin to IMAGINE the vetting process for a singer to be put into the "Opera Hall of Fame?" I can!

Chairman: Okay, Callas.

Committee Member 1: Are you KIDDING ME? The woman slaughtered everything she sang, and don’t give me that “she revived the bel canto” crap . . . the woman was a hack and wouldn’t know bel canto if it bit her in the tuckus, which, by the way, is exactly what sounds like is happening everytime she dared to try to sing the stuff. And don’t EVEN get me started about how she sabotaged her sister Jackie’s career. Now THAT was the Callas who should be in the Hall of Fame! Callas? Pass.

Chairman: Corelli?

Committee Member 2: Say whaaaaat? The guy was a musical joke, a stiff, a putz. Oh sure, nice looking and all, but so what? As subtle as a bull in a china shop and no idea what he was singing. Pass.

Chair: Tucker?

Committee Member 3: You’re crossing the line, bub. First of all, the guy looked ridiculous on stage, and those toupees? He couldn't fool a blind man. Add to that how he turned down lucrative contracts because of his “principles” yet sang everything in lowered transpositions of nearly all he sang.

Chair: Richard Tucker did NOT lower his music!

Committee Member 3: Then you have rocks in your ears. Answer: no room for this guy.

Chair: Okay then . . . Rosa Ponselle?

Committee Member No. 2: Okay, you’re kidding right? C'mon, man . . . No bigger fraud has ever been perpetrated upon the citizens of Operaville than this woman, clearly the least talented of the Ponzillo children.

Chair: Sayou?

Committee Member 5: Haaaaaaahahahaha . . . . hahhhaahahahahaha .. . . hahahahaha hah ha ha ha ha ha hah a hhhh . . . excuse me a moment . . . Bid. . . aHAAAA ha ha ha ha ha . . .

Chair: Moving on, how about Carlo Bergonzi?

Committee Member 6: Are you mad? Man, I heard him once and it was the WORST Otello in modern history . . . Make that history history.

* * * * *

And just TRY to imagine the order of the displays and the discussions amongst fans planning to visit the Hall.

“Joan, dear, we wanted to go to the Opera Hall of Fame, but they put that awful Gianni Poggi just before Pippo’s statue, and as I told you, God and the world, I will not step 10 feet within a tribute of that man.

“Eileen, why don’t you go, and then you can actually spit on Poggi’s tribute en route to see di Stefano’s.”

“Why thank you, Joan; that's an absolutely GRAND idea! Say, why don’t you come with and we’ll make a whole day of it.”

“Are you mad? I’d sooner burn the place to the ground and eat the glowing coals then enter any building that would defile itself honoring del Monaco. Phttt.”

“Well, if I'm gonna go and spit on Poggi, you should come and do something vile to defile del Monaco’s space.”

“Hmmmm . . . Eileen, my friend, you just may be onto something.”


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